


Is It Even Real Love If It Starts As Hate?

by BookwormFangirl4



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Bullying, M/M, No Mercy, References to Depression, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-03
Updated: 2019-06-25
Packaged: 2019-11-08 15:22:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 14,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17983637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BookwormFangirl4/pseuds/BookwormFangirl4
Summary: It's simple. He's always been considered an outcast, and No Mercy really didn't help. With the rest of the members hating him, the fans hate comments and the experiences of No Mercy and his past, Changkyun can't imagine it can get any worse. But one game played by the members may shatter the last shard of himself leaving him broken beyond repair. And the members finally find out.-This fanfic was inspired by so many different fanfictions I have read, and therefore I have used a lot of the same tropes that everyone uses simply because I know they work and it shows what I want to show. A portion of this was inspired by a Yugyeom fic I read on Wattpad however I have been unable to find either the book or the author for credit, so I have assumed they deleted their account which is a shame because I would have loved to re-read them and for you all to as well. It was a two book series; a Yugyeom and a Changkyun fic and they were amazing. That is all.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, thank you for reading! Chapter 1 is a bit rocky, it jumps straight into episode 8 of No Mercy. I rewatched the show as I wrote the first couple chapters so that not only dialogue is accurate but scenes, character interactions and plot is as well. So if you've seen the show you would recognise a lot of it, however the show focused on the other trainees for his entrance and this fanfic is all about Changkyun so you will experience everything from his point of view. I hope you enjoy, and please leave feedback in the comments, this fic is really close to my heart so I would really appreciate the chance to achieve it's best potential. With that said, please read on.

Changkyun had it tough. He had gone through more than he should have at his age and it only seemed to increase as time went on. It seemed like he had gotten a bit of luck out of nowhere to have ended up with Starship entertainment as a full-time trainee. Until they monitored his rap one fateful afternoon and asked if he would like to join No Mercy in the next episode as a new contestant. How could he possibly join in the middle of the show just after Minkyun has been eliminated and expect both the trainees and fans to accept him? But at least if he doesn't make it to the final ranking (which he isn't expecting to anyway) he can make a name for himself early in his career. The CEO had decided that the other trainees did not need prior warning of his arrival to get raw emotions and reactions from the trainees to increase ratings.

 

He was given a day to meet the trainees and officially announce his arrival on the show; mentor K. Will was treating the trainees to lunch at a nearby restaurant and Changkyun was told to arrive halfway through the meal. He wasn't sure what to expect but how they reacted certainly wasn't it.

 

“Guys, I have something special to announce regarding the next episode. The company has decided to introduce a surprise to change up the show,” K. Will announced, creating unease amongst the trainees. At that moment Changkyun was ushered in by a staff member and the trainees facing his way show looks of confusion to the staff and finally K. Will who smiled. “Ah I.M you're here. Guys meet I.M, he will be joining No Mercy as a contestant in Episode 8.” “Hello, my name is I.M.” Each and every single one of the trainees felt a swirl of anger, confusion, betrayal and unfairness. Their friends Kwangji, Yoo-su and Minkyun had been eliminated just to make way for this kid? It wasn't fair. They felt like he had waited until they had worked themselves to the bone just to stride in and take the success without trying.

 

 “Excuse me?!” Minhyuk almost shouted. “This is ridiculous. How can you eliminate Minkyun and then bring someone else in to replace him? I won't accept this!” Yoonho announced with a glare to Changkyun before pointedly looking away.

 

“The directors, the mentors and the CEO had a long discussion and decided the ratio of vocalists to rappers wasn't ideal and that we needed to introduce another rapper. I.M just happened to catch enough attention to fit what we wanted. There's nothing you can do about this, it has been decided and that is final. Now please talk to him and get to know him a bit before the episode, I'm trusting that I can leave you all together,” K. Will said looking at all of the trainees before standing up and leaving the table. The trainees bowed as he left and then glared at their plates, simmering with anger.

 

“Well isn't this great,” #Gun chuckled.

“I feel sick” Minhyuk commented quietly.

 

All Changkyun could do was look around the room or at his lap, anywhere but the other's faces. He could sense the disappointment and hatred the others were feeling and all he could think was that it wasn't going to be easy. They sat in silence for what felt like hours, no one willing to speak up in the tense atmosphere. Changkyun was desperately searching for something to say to diffuse the tension but nothing seemed appropriate so he just sat there until the air got too thick and he felt like he was choking on it. After what felt like an eternity, Wonho reluctantly spoke up. As the oldest he felt like he had to say something, even if it wasn't exactly nice. “You came at the worst timing”. Changkyun pursed his lips and bit back a reply, he didn't want to set them off as he had to live with them too. “We can't really welcome you right now because we lost Minkyun yesterday. And to think you replaced him, we can't quite be all that nice to you,” Kihyun added.

 

He understood he really did, but still the comments burnt through him rendering him speechless. All he could do was nod and accept that this was how they felt and it's not going to change overnight.

 

After that the members slowly left the table one by one leaving Changkyun in the middle all alone, and he realized that this will be his life for the rest of the show. The members hating and ignoring him, excluding him when they hang out and working together in silence.

 

They arrived to the dorm in silence, quickly making their way inside leaving Changkyun to awkwardly stand around in the doorway as they frantically looked in the rooms for Minkyun who had just been eliminated coming up short. Jooheon stood in front of his bunk which was completely bare, and there was a faint gasp uttered as the others entered only to see the bunk. “His stuff was all over the place,” Jooheon muttered, “Not only that he cleaned the living room too” Minhyuk pointed out. “He cleaned by himself.”

 

“He cleaned quietly and left by himself while we were out eating . . . “. “Why did he . . .”. All the trainees couldn't believe their eyes, Minkyun their friend had left without saying goodbye just to save them from tears. “This is so wrong.” Minhyuk pushed his way out into the living room, the others slowly following.

 

Kihyun was sat on the bottom bunk of the bed in the living room as he watched the others saddened by the fact that his friend who he had so many memories with would just leave without saying good bye. And Changkyun could only stand outside the door and watch as everyone complained about the night's events, feeling as if he really was the cause of Minkyun's departure. He heard Shownu direct Seokwon to talk to him and show him his bed, saying that it should be responsibility as they're the same age. “I'm sure the new guy didn't want this either,” he tried to reason as if 'the new guy' wasn't standing with hearing distance. “I'm sorry we lost Minkyun too but” he trailed off as he saw nobody was going to agree with him. “Well I'm not mad at him or anything, I'm just frustrated.” Yoonho hurried to add. “No one is mad at him. He didn't do anything wrong.” Minhyuk defended. At this Changkyun had to walk away down the hall because he didn't know whether they meant what they said or whether it was all a show for the cameras.

 

Kihyun came walking past in an attempt to be the peacemaker and said over his shoulder “come sit in the living room with us” as if he wasn't automatically made an outcast and although no one had lashed out yet he knew he still wasn't accepted. Still he timidly walked into the room and sat where Kihyun previously was by himself. Everyone glanced at him and fell into silence. After a few moments Shownu stood up and walked out, the others following his lead one by one until the only person left besides himself was Yoonho.

 

“Did you watch the past episodes?”

“Yes, all of them.”

“So, you know then, we had 4 rappers and one of them left before you came.” Changkyun nodded, how could he not know the events of the show before he arrived. How could he not be aware that because of this the trainees couldn't and wouldn't accept him since he basically was stealing someone else's spot. It was all he thought about before he joined, leaving him thinking maybe it might not be the best decision. So, I can't really welcome you. I just can't. And I'm being honest with you. I'm still trying to control myself, even now.” And if anything, Changkyun appreciated the honesty, because it was all he could ask for in the situation. He was trying to explain what he was feeling and maybe even what the others were feeling, and that was more than he had expected. Maybe more than he deserved really. “I'm sure if I were you, I couldn't be welcoming either. I completely understand how you feel.” Maybe they can be friends, or at least the closest two people thrown into a horrible situation like this can be. “I guess the upside to this is that you're my age, along with Seokwon. It's good to have another trainee my age. Kind of?” He knew it must be hard to be on the other side of this. He understood. So how could Yoonho still somehow say something positive in an attempt to cheer him up? He really did not deserve such kindness from someone like Yoonho. “I'm honoured you think that way,” he said fighting back tears. “I hope you work hard,” he sighed.

 

He unpacked his things into a drawer in the living room and after he finished sat on his bunk. He was isolated both literally as he was sleeping in the living room by himself, and through the ice-cold fronts the trainees had put up. All he could do was think and reflect on himself, and hope that the next day would somehow be better, although that hope is minimal.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, thank you for continuing to read! This chapter takes off not long after the end of the first chapter, so nothing confusing there. We're still in No Mercy and will be for the next couple chapters as there are a couple missions and things to go. This is the schedule I am going to be aiming for sometime on sunday and thursday AEST, it just works well with my uni schedule. Thank you so, so much for the lovely comments on the first chapter, you guys are definitely motivating me to continue posting. There was a lot of love, even though I asked for honest feedback. So feel free to comment your opinions or what you think might happen, I will read them and answer any questions and I really appreciate all feedback. I'm not gonna lie tho, I was really surprised that not only were there hundreds of people who read Chapter 1 but lots of people liked it. I don't think it's that great, I personally feel like because of the third person pov it feels a bit disconnecting and not as emotional as I wanted, but I'm glad some of you disagree <3

The next day was rough. They woke up early, Changkyun waking up from the noise the others were making as they were all awake having been woken up by Kihyun, and made their way to the company to meet their mentors in one of the studios for the next mission. To their surprise standing waiting for them were some of the biggest artists in Starship who had composed songs for the mission: Giriboy, Mad Clown, Jooyoung, Vasco, Junggigo and Genius Nochang. Knowing that the winning team will release the song they perform is huge news and makes the trainees all the more hungry. And Changkyun wants to show them what he's made of, that he has the ability to rap well and that he might even be better than Jooheon. Easier said than done though.

 

It was no surprise which team he ended up with: Wonho and Jooheon who hate his guts, and Kihyun and Seokwon who mildly hate him. So, clearly this whole mission was going to be fun. He rapped when Mad Clown asked him to and even Jooheon begrudgingly gave him respect. He was taken aback when Mad Clown compared him to #Gun and said his rap was better. It solidified something inside him that maybe he has some talent and maybe deserves a chance. Maybe not debut through No Mercy, but a chance to reach for his dreams.

 

At the first team meeting Wonho sensing that nobody was going to say anything took the lead and decided that the vocalists would write the bridge for the song, and Jooheon and Changkyun would go write their raps together.

 

Changkyun couldn't help the nervousness that bubbled up inside of him at being in a close room with Jooheon, who wasn't a friend. Although he'd give anything to have a friend, especially Jooheon. He was so cute despite his fierce and dominating aura. “Alright, to be honest, I wasn't going to speak a word with you.” Jooheon starts, and all Changkyun can think is that it is finally starting and he's going to tell him he doesn't want to work with him and they should do their own thing separately-“I wanted to tell you, you're on your own and I'll be on my own”, and that really hurts because he knows, he gets it. “But I came to realise we're on the same team. We have to open up and work together to make some good rap, so rather than going straight to working on the words I want to talk a little bit.” And Changkyun is confused, because out of all the things he could have said this was actually kind of nice and he felt so grateful that he wasn't going to ignore him and he wanted to talk to him unlike everyone else. “Before you came on the show, did anyone promise to have you debut?” His heart sinks, because oh my god that's why they hated him so much. Yes he joined after Minkyun was eliminated but he joined close to the end making it seem as if he pulled some strings to be there and will definitely debut. His stomach lurches with the realisation that that is why they were avoiding him, and he can’t believe he never thought that's what they would think. Did they all think that? Probably, they're all on the same wavelength. He feels white hot shame start to build in his belly and guilt start to eat at him. “No, never!” He insists, although he's not sure that Jooheon would believe him with the desperate way he said it. “Well, because I feel like you joining No Mercy at this point kind of applies that you'll debut for sure.” Upon seeing Changkyun's crestfallen face, he quickly adds “think about it, we lost 3 guys to elimination. It's the 4th debut mission. And you join the show? So, I can't help but feel . . . like you were promised something.”

 

“Kwangji was eliminated, right? Then you joined the show. I was so pissed off. I thought this is nonsense. I mean, what does that make Kwangji?” A beat of silence passed before he finished softly with, “As long as you remain on the show . . . It's going to be tough for you.” “Yeah.” “That means you have to work that much harder.” He nodded and felt his eyes fill up, “but for me,” the tears started falling and this is not the way he wants Jooheon to remember him, crying pathetically like a baby over something to small, “I'm just grateful you told me what's on your mind. I know you guys,” he paused to cry an ugly sob and he had to remember to just breathe, “I know it's hard for you guys to open up to me. So even if it's little by little, when you guys come to talk to me . . .” he couldn't control his tears and they just came running down his face. As he tried to wipe them away Jooheon sighed, “Just work hard alright? You have to overcome.”

 

He was so grateful to Jooheon for putting aside his feelings for the sake of the mission, and to make good quality rap. Although he was incredibly embarrassed about crying in front of him and lowering his walls even for a moment, it was worth it. There was a chance that he could prove to Jooheon that he didn't pay his way in and he has just as much right to be here as everybody else. He was one small step closer to being accepted, and hopeful that if he could make Jooheon understand then he might be able to approach the other guys. If he holds his hand out first, they'll take it at some point, hopefully. He's scared of the prospect, because some of them are intimidating, but he just has to stick it out and hope. Hope is what fuels you in a survival show, and Changkyun will use it as fuel to do his best.

 

The next couple days were a blur of writing and practicing trying to finish the song before the first recording day. On the day of the rough recording they all filed into the studio greeting the artists as they sat down, Changkyun sitting in the furthermost corner. Mad Clown starts first, “From what I've seen so far I would like to start with the recording and monitor first. Then I'll see whose parts I'll redistribute.” Everyone nodded feeling the pressure to impress and do well one the first go.  “I hope you all give this your best shot.” A chorus of 'yes' was echoed from everybody in response. “Let's record as quickly as possible and hear the whole thing.”

 

Jooheon was up first and Changkyun was sweating because however Jooheon performs is what he will be compared to and he's not sure he's that confident. Of course, he nailed it first go, he's not sure he's seen him do badly. The artists seem to agree with this, as they shower him with praises before he's even left the booth. “He's good.” “He's better than I am.” “I guess we'll just use this for the album. I don't think this will need any work.” “He'll sound good whatever he does.” Changkyun dreams of hearing comments like these someday in his rap career while Jooheon is still a trainee and has real artists praising him. Sometimes it's hard not to respect him, because he really is talented. Something Changkyun finds hard to swallow.

 

He's brought out of his thoughts as he's told he's next and he confidently, or what he hopes looks confident, walks into the recording booth. He raps his part and is quite pleased with the way it turned out, it being one of the best versions. But of course, he's no Jooheon and the artists instantly started to pick on his enunciation at the start with the English phrase. No matter how many times he rapped it, they still weren't satisfied and kept finding things that he needed to fix.

 

He started to zone out through the vocalist's turn, however zoned right back in when they started heavily picking on Wonho and the melody that he wrote but couldn't seem to make it work. The others sate with bated breaths as they seemed furious and Changkyun was kind of glad it wasn't directed towards him but he still felt guilty towards his hyung. After all he got the group going and did most of the writing for the melody. It left a sour taste in his mouth.

 

After that they were quickly left to practice amongst themselves as the artists were disappointed with the progress. He went to find Seokwon after some individual practice as they had parts that overlap. He felt satisfied with how they sounded after a long practice and hoped that would translate to the final thing. All that was left was choreography practice as a group led by Wonho. The gruelling dance practice went almost for two days non-stop. They slept and rested little in the attempt of perfection and creating the illusion of teamwork despite his presence. So, when the final performance came, it was a surprise how restless and nervous he was despite the little sleep he'd had that week. Everyone was tense in the waiting room while getting their makeup and hair done, Changkyun practicing his rap in his head while ignoring the others practicing aloud. As they got up on stage the screams were so loud he was taken aback. It was incredible hearing fans screaming their names and he almost wondered if he was dreaming but looking around, he saw the other trainees were just in awe as he. If he squinted against the bright lights, he could see fans holding up homemade banners or using their phones for the names of the other contestants, especially Jooheon, but unsurprisingly none for himself. But he understood, this was his chance. No one could support him without seeing his skills and his performance, so it's okay. It didn't hurt all that much.

 

The lights got brighter as the other trainees appeared and then finally K. Will himself appeared to introduce the show and the groups. After the brief introduction the lights dimmed and their team was on first. The song started and Changkyun waited for his cue, trying to keep his head up. His verse flowed out of him like a river, the lyrics were truly personal and written about himself and his entrance in an attempt to get the audience to understand and relate. He put all his soul and effort into it, and rapped one of the best raps he had ever done.

 

'I am what I am

Wait a minute

For some, it's no manner sh*t

I fell out of nowhere, my impression

Let this stage reboot that all

You all wait for me to mess up

But this attention, it's opportunity for me

Saying this and that

It's not really my style

I'll show you once I'm done

 

I am what I am

I represent me

The boss says it's hell to start mid-way

But I'll become the best'

 

The wait backstage for the results was the longest time of his life and every passing minute made him more anxious; even though he was satisfied with himself and their performance overall, the other team did well too so it was hard to tell. When they got up on stage the wait was somehow even more agonizing than offstage. When the result was announced he almost cried from relief that they had won and he had not let down his team. People liked him enough to vote for them, however this meant that someone form the other team had to be eliminated and he almost felt like he had caused that even though they had won fair and square. What was worse was when the name was announced and he felt an overwhelming feeling of guilt, because it had to be Yoonho, his rival. The person who everyone was rooting to be better than him, and he was eliminated. He kept his head down, he couldn't look anyone else in the face. He knew the other trainees were crying, he couldn't look at Yoonho. But what could he do? It could have been him going home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, thank you for reading! This is my first work posted on AO3, but my second work posted overall. I hope this goes well, I'm really invested in this story. It's a story I've wanted to write for a very long time; a guilty pleasure of mine is reading works based on Changkyun's experiences during and after No Mercy and as part of Monsta X. I eventually got to the point where I had read them all both here and on Wattpad and craved new material. I figured that if I wasn't satisfied other people weren't either and so I decided to write one myself and put a twist on it. I played into a lot of the common tropes found in these stories but I added some of my own as well. All of the dialogue set during No Mercy is 100% real quotes from the show so please go watch it if you haven't already. Please leave comments with feedback, I wrote this during NaNoWriMo last year and so it holds a lot of my soul, I really want it to be the best it can be (for a fanfiction anyway).


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi thank you for returning! This is officially the last chapter of No Mercy, so from here will be the process of debut and of course the timeline of comebacks after that. This is probably the shortest chapter that I've written so far including all the chapters to be posted in future, but it is a pivotal moment and I liked where it ended for the endof the chapter. Thank you so much for all of the love, and the wonderful comments that this has received so far. I have such a burning desire to continue just for you guys and to make sure this story is up to standard. I really hope you enjoy, and remember please leave your opinions or questions in the comments. Among all the amazing comments, I did receieve one that made me laugh: 'Is this going to be a Changkyun harem?' by Angelabelle. I just wanted to leave you with that thought, you're welcome. Read on.

They were taken aside after the mission by one of the directors to be told that because they had won, they were able to participate in a highly regarded magazine with the artists featured. They soon were all on their way back to the dorm in relative silence, Changkyun sitting by himself. When they got back, he was the last to exit the van and stood in the doorway while everyone crowded Yoonho as he packed his stuff. Watching everyone cry silently cry and hang on to each other made him uncomfortable and as soon as they were in a giant hug, he turned on his heel and made a beeline for his bunk because that was his safe place. It was all he could do to curl in on himself towards the wall in an attempt to ward off the cold the dorm had produced after he left.

 

The next day they had to wake up early to do the photo shoot with the six 'mentor' artists that drove them through the last mission. It was an amazing achievement for trainees to be featured so everyone was incredibly excited. So excited in fact that no one had badmouthed him, or really said anything at all. Kihyun had even sent him a small smile that morning as he woke him up early for once. Obviously they cared about the photo shoot too much to do anything to do him, and he was revelling in it while it lasted.

 

However, that didn't last long as right after they got back all the trainees were called and told to gather in one of the practice rooms in the company, and to their surprise Junggigo was waiting for them. It was finally time to receive the last mission. They would be split into groups of three to versus each other. Two trainees would be eliminated after it is over and the final group would be created.

 

He ended up in a group with Jooheon which he was super grateful for, however he was also with Hyungwon who absolutely hated him and usually just decided to forget he existed. Practice was going to be fun, he sighed to himself. Their song was called Interstellar, perfect for his burning need to prove himself and stop comparing him to everyone else.

 

Through practicing he got closer to Jooheon and they seemed to hit a spot where they worked together to complement each other's skill and strengths and were finally a unit. And surprisingly, Hyungwon was starting to open up to him a little, just a little, but it made the chemistry they had together that much stronger and evident. Hopefully the practice is only but the beginning for the stage.

 

As the stage came up and the lights turned on the sea of people in the audience was revealed and Changkyun felt a drop of relief at some of the banners that had his stage name on them.

 

Their stage was amazing! It was a million times better than they ever thought it could be and the audience went wild. He glanced over at the mentors up in the stands as they stood in the final pose and he saw what might have been impressiveness. The mentors praised them, saying it was a perfect stage and that Hyungwon had improved so much which even Changkyun was mildly proud about.

 

The next stage was the vocalists: Wonho, Kihyun and Seokwon and of course they did a sexy concept to 'Hug Me' by Crush. They even had female dancers, and the crowd was almost silent the entire time with awe, save a few screams. It really wasn't fair, Wonho was the epitome of sexy, Kihyun had a smouldering look while singing and Seokwon had such a sweet voice that attracted all the ladies. The whole performance cried confidence and sex appeal.

 

And lastly Minhyuk, Shownu and #Gun had prepared a romantic stage for all the girls in the audience. They had chosen Jay Park's 'So Good', as a tribute to all the female fans who have been watching the show and will be there to vote in the last mission. Of course, they pulled out the roses and the fans visibly swooned, it was almost cripplingly sweet.

 

And then the group dance, which Changkyun was the most nervous about because it was a full dance and he was lacking in dancing but since he was in the back a lot, he tried to be good enough to blend in. 'No Exit' is a song that is really tame compared to the lyrics they've previously written about their hardships and felt like they were a real group performing their song.

 

As they were on the stage after the voting waiting for the names to start being called Changkyun thinks he has never been more nervous. He wasn't sure what he wanted the results to be, or whether he even wants to be called. The first member called to no surprise was Jooheon and he was so proud of his friend. Followed by Shownu, Kihyun, Hyungwon, Wonho; and he was thinking that there was no way his name was going to be called because all the trainees called deserved it and so did everyone else who still stood beside him and the blood rushing through his ears was so loud. There was no way he would be next except the sixth person was called and it was: his name? And as Minhyuk's name was called he knew who was the most upset because his brother hadn't been chosen and Changkyun had just ripped that lifelong dream away from them and he just felt so guilty. But as he looked around, he saw everyone was either crying or trying to hold back tears and of course it’s not all about him and he doesn't deserve to cry. Hearing Jooheon talk about his dream of rapping on stage with #Gun shattered the rest of his heart and all he could do was look down at his feet and try not to cry. “You have to work hard alright?” That was the least he could promise for Jooheon because of what he'd ended up doing.

 

That is how they became Monsta X. It was also the start of what would be the opposite of how Changkyun thought debut would be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, thank you for reading! This is my first work posted on AO3, but my second work posted overall. I hope this goes well, I'm really invested in this story. It's a story I've wanted to write for a very long time; a guilty pleasure of mine is reading works based on Changkyun's experiences during and after No Mercy and as part of Monsta X. I eventually got to the point where I had read them all both here and on Wattpad and craved new material. I figured that if I wasn't satisfied other people weren't either and so I decided to write one myself and put a twist on it. I played into a lot of the common tropes found in these stories but I added some of my own as well. All of the dialogue set during No Mercy is 100% real quotes from the show so please go watch it if you haven't already. Please leave comments with feedback, I wrote this during NaNoWriMo last year and so it holds a lot of my soul, I really want it to be the best it can be (for a fanfiction anyway).


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi thank you for reading! I apologise, this was meant to be out yesterday but I had two assignments due today and I just didn't have the time but I'm sure that most of you weren't worried. I have been considering changing the posting schedule; for now it's fine but I'm going to run out of written chapters soon and with uni I don't have a huge amount of time to set aside to write so I think I might change to once a week to give myself more time to write. Please comment if that's okay, or if you like the current schedule. This chapter is the first non No Mercy chapter, so it's definitely all my imagination and I didn't go lightly. It just jumps straight into it, my intention is for the story to be fairly short so I did not waste time. Once again, please leave your opinions in the comments and enjoy. Thank you to all the people who left wonderful comments on the last chapter and all my chapters so far, and left kudos. I really appreciate it.

“God Changkyun can't you do anything right? Honestly, how many times do we have to stop because of you!” Minhyuk shouted as Changkyun tripped during a run of their debut song Trespass. They were up to Shownu's solo which starts the breakdown at the end and Changkyun had to do three quick steps in succession out of the formation to allow Shownu to walk through the middle and Changkyun had stumbled going too quickly and knocked Minhyuk over. He let out a slight gasp of pain when he hit the floor on his side slight twisting his right ankle during the fall. He hit it hard immediately curling in to himself as his eyes watered and he his ankle stung.

 

This is bad. This is the worst thing that could have possibly happened at this moment. Hyungwon scoffed at him and it only made his fear escalate. “Seriously? What a cry-baby, it was your fault. Why are you crying when you should be the one apologizing?” Hyungwon said with malice in his voice, genuinely believing he was in the right and they deserve nothing less especially from a talent less spot stealer such as Changkyun. “Honestly, why can't you do anything right? I don't know why they even decided to debut you when you literally have not talent. You can't rap and you certainly can't dance, and you're not even good looking. Honestly!” Wonho scowled at him, as he shrunk back under his gaze.

 

Changkyun was so confused, yes, he tripped but it was an accident. He didn't mean to, and he would never want to intentionally bring harm upon another member. But the members only saw him in a negative light, so Hyungwon wouldn't know this. In fact, he wouldn't know anything about him at all.

 

“Once again Hyungwon, you're absolutely right! I could have sprained my ankle because of your clumsiness or worse. You need to watch where you're going and try harder you idiot. Get up!” Minhyuk's shrill voice pierced through his moment of self-pity so he struggled to get up, leaning heavily on his good ankle. “Yes hyung,” he mumbled knowing the insults would get worse if he didn't reply obediently.

 

“At least you have some manners,” Hyungwon said in his direction without looking at him. “Okay that's enough guys, we'll run through it a couple more times then we can go home. I'll go start the music.” Hyunwoo intervened before it became an argument. He may not want to be Changkyun's friend but he was still the leader so it was his job to break up the arguments and make sure practice runs as smoothly and efficiently as possible. Which can be especially hard when Hyungwon, Minhyuk and Wonho keep finding things to hate on Changkyun for.

 

The rest of practice was physically brutal and by the end he had never felt more exhausted, plus his ankle was so sore and he was mentally drained. He had spent the rest of the practice putting all his energy into the dance despite his ankle and avoiding accidental eye contact with the others just to keep any resemblance of peace. But they still had vocal practice which meant that he had to be in an enclosed space with Jooheon and rap their parts and he wasn't sure if he was up to it.

 

Jooheon wasn't hard to figure out. He certainly didn't try to hide the fact that he didn't like Changkyun nor would be willing to befriend him however as a rapper they need to have teamwork and chemistry between each other so he was civil and tried his best when working on raps. He maintained that they had to be honest with each other for it to work, and so far, they weren't having a huge amount of luck creating the songs for the album. They just haven't had any inspiration or any ideas at all. By the end of the session they were left frustrated and tired and made a plan to continue trying every night after dance practice if they could, and with that they split ways. Jooheon back to the dorm and Changkyun headed straight to the practice room in the hopes of doing a couple more run through’s. He only made it to the hallway after seeing Jooheon off before he was intercepted by a couple of boys who he vaguely recognized. Maybe he's seen them around the company? It didn't really matter because before he could ask them to move aside one of them grabbed his arm and pulled him into the closest room which happened to be a closet that was rarely used. The door shut behind all of them with a click and light flooded the room as one of them flicked the switch and locked the door. The guy standing in the middle, seemingly the leader, pushed Changkyun onto the ground to stand over him and smirked. “Who the hell are you? Why did you push me in here?” Changkyun demanded with as much muster as he could manage despite being lower than them. He was bewildered, who the hell were these boys and why did they had the right to throw him around like this? “You don't know who we are? Wow I thought you would at least be humble enough to know us but I guess all the rumours are true.” The leader leaned closer to him and glared into his eyes with a smirk as if to try and see into his soul. “W-what?” He managed to stammer. The leader scoffed like he thought he was lying, which he wasn't, and said, “We are trainees, obviously, and were in the line-up to enter No Mercy. We've been training here for years and deserve to debut, yet you enter into the company months before the show and somehow win over all the coaches and waltz right into the show without working for it. Seems a bit unfair doesn't it, I.M?” The other trainees echoed his words of 'unfair' and stepped even closer to him which made him scoot backwards a little. They were uncomfortably close to him, and the way they were looking at him made him feel both scrutinized and scared. He knew this wasn't going to end well. It was going to be a struggle to go home; he definitely wasn't going to make it home before midnight like he promised.

 

The first kick was landed by the 'leader' hitting him directly in the stomach which began a flurry of kicks to his ribs, stomach, hips and back knowing those spots would be the most covered by clothing. Changkyun didn't even have time to move, he barely had time to cover his head. Sometime during this he passed out from the pain but that didn't stop them. They gave him a couple more hits before deciding that it was enough for today and leaving, flicking the light off as they left.

 

An hour later Changkyun slowly roused from his sleep, confused as to where he was and why he was on the floor. He went to sit up and sharp pain from his abdomen and back hit him and he curled into himself with tears in his eyes. 'That's right, I was beat up' he thought. It's weak to allow a couple of teenagers corner him and beat him up without even fighting back. He fumbled his phone out of his pocket to check what time was wincing when he saw it almost 1am, he was so late. He frowned when he saw an empty screen, he didn't have any missed calls. None of the members had even bothered to call him asking where he was at this hour and why he wasn't home. It really struck home that if he had of gone missing or even died the members wouldn't have noticed at all and maybe even shrug it off because then they wouldn't have to deal with him. It's a great feeling to have when you're on the floor in pain past midnight at the company.

 

Somehow, he managed to drag himself up gripping onto the wall and he had no idea how he was supposed to get home like this. And yet he did it. It only took him half an hour which isn't that great considering they don’t live too far away. And all the while wondering who would still be awake and waiting for him to get home to lecture him.

 

The answer was no one. When he got back the dorm was bathed in darkness and it was it was so silent, all he could hear was his heavy breathing and the sobs that were starting to emerge. He wasn't sure if he would be able to climb into his bunk (he had the top bunk) so instead he headed for the couch in the living room and collapsed upon it as wet, ugly sobs raked his body. He did his best to stifle it so the other members wouldn't wake up and scold him for being loud and coming home late. But the sobs just keep coming and threaten to tear his chest apart. Suffice to say he didn't sleep much that night, staying awake until the sun rose and only then falling into a fitful and short sleep only to be awoken by Kihyun two hours later.

 

“Changkyun, get up! I've been trying to wake you up for five minutes! Why are you sleeping on the couch? Don't tell me, you stayed out late again?” Changkyun went to open his mouth to reply but he couldn't tell him the truth so he closed it and gave Kihyun a sheepish smile. “I knew it. You need to stop staying out to all hours of the morning, it's going to inconvenience the group.” The hint of a smile was wiped off his face and he mutely nodded; he was right. As usual. How can he perform if he is in this kind of condition? But what else could he do? He certainly wasn't going to tell anyone not knowing what the trainees would do to him if they got kicked out. “Get up. We're leaving in twenty minutes.” With that, he left with a sigh and a shake of his head.

 

Of course he was the last one awake as usual, no surprise there, it was almost like Kihyun forgot about him until the last moment. With a muted groan he forced himself up off the couch and slowly walked (limped) to the bedroom he shared with Jooheon and Minhyuk hoping that although the dorm was loud, he wouldn't run into anyone else. He grabbed some clothes and a hoodie out of his duffle bag (because although there was room in the shared closet for his clothes the look Kihyun sent him told him not to) and made his way to the bathroom to have a warm shower. Hopefully it would make him feel more awake and ease some of the pain in his muscles.

 

He was getting dressed when Shownu yelled out that they were leaving in five minutes so he hurriedly finished getting ready, got his stuff for practice and swiped a granola bar from the kitchen because there wasn't enough time to eat, although even if there was Kihyun never made enough and never woke him up for it anyway. He was the last into the van and that earned a scoff and an eye roll from some of the others and a “hurry up next time, god” from Hyungwon.

 

Practice was awful. His ankle ached and his bruises and muscles ached and there was a nonstop flurry of insults from the 'horrible three' and he was so tired. This started what might be the worst time of his life despite everything he's been through. For weeks the cycle continued of horrible practice with added insults, hours of extra practice pushing himself to the limit only to be shot down by the group of trainees bullying him, arriving home early in the morning and barely sleeping only to get up and start the cycle again. His mental health spiralled to the lowest it's probably ever been, his depression coming back full force and his anxiety spiking at every small thing. Reading fan comments online about his weight combined with all the members words ate at him enough to basically stop eating and work himself harder. His anxiety got him when he was in his bed at night and the darkness just consumed him resulting in sleepless nights. If his members noticed his sallow cheeks and almost painted on dark circles, they never said anything, just always leaving him alone. Until one particular night not long before their debut when Changkyun found himself lying in bed staring at the ceiling with the voice in his head constantly berating him about everything and he cracked. He ended up in the bathroom pulling out the blade from his razor, because old habits die hard. By the time he deemed himself satisfied he had covered his thighs and hips with dried blood upon which the voice finally quietened to less than a whisper. He hid the razor in one of the drawers and cleaned the spilled blood with some paper towels hiding them in the bottom of the trash. His shorts sat on his cuts and he relished in the pain, finally feeling something other than numb. Suffice to say, Changkyun had fallen back into old habits hard. When he was a part of Nu'bility after discovering these his old members had done everything in their power to discourage and stop him. He had felt the happiest he had ever felt, and hadn't felt the need to self-harm or starve himself because he finally believed all the good things they said about him. But his current members didn't know anything about his past including his previous group and so didn't know about his past with depression and anxiety and therefore didn't think they were affecting him much at all, even thinking that they were in the right for what he had done to them. So when this became something, he succumbed to often they didn't even notice what was happening and continued to be mean and degrading.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, thank you for reading! So, the last chapter was the first chapter set after No Mercy, but this chapter features debut so it is a bit short- it's more of a segway into after debut. There's a couple bits that actually hint at the next chapter as well as a slight change of perception, but don't be fooled. Once again, thank you for the comments and kudos, I've seen some familiar names so I really appreciate that there are people reading every chapter, you're all such lovely people! The updating schedule will be the same for this week and maybe next week (twice a week) after that it will most likely change to once a week. With that said, please enjoy!

Debut was rapidly approaching so the number of practices had tripled and preparations for both the stage and the music video shooting were well under way. They had already shot the concept photos which was so much fun (insert eye roll) but not without the typical words about his appearance by the self-proclaimed visuals of the group. The anxious feeling that had accompanied him all through the preparation for debut had escalated to the point that he was having a panic attack every night. And then, they debuted. It was the most nerve-wracking experience they had all gone through, they worried about the small number of fans that supported them through No Mercy had grown impatient or wouldn't like the music they put out and would leave their fan-base. They worried that they wouldn't appeal to new fans, especially Korean fans and most importantly that debut would change nothing and they would never be popular and gain fame. Changkyun in particular had a thought that despite debut the members and fans would never like him and the abuse would continue until one day he either leaves the group or self-explodes (which would be worse).

 

However their debut stage on M! Countdown was incredible. The fans screaming was so loud before the gate even opened and the song started. The fans even knew the fan-chants already which blew their minds, and there was even some screaming for Changkyun during his parts. During that stage I.M the rapper was seen for the first time since No Mercy and he felt more alive than he had in weeks. The fans loved his stage persona and even the other members begrudgingly admitted that he lit up on the stage and transformed into someone entirely different. It was nice, he finally felt like maybe this was where he was meant to be and the fans agreed. However that feeling only lasted until they were back in the waiting room and the members ignoring him again, which dragged him out of the haze that he was in and he remembered that they're not friends, not even close.

 

Their schedule was non-stop for the rest of the week, they barely had a moment to themselves let alone rest or time to hang out. Attending shows was the worst because if they were in public the rest of the members hang off of him acting as if they love him and are all best friends which fills his heart but afterwards go back to being distant and ignoring him. It's too much for him to take, it momentarily gives him hope only to rip him back down to reality and makes his chest feel cold. Whenever they had segments which involved answering questions about each other or giving facts they either asked him before hand or skilfully avoided/ answered the question making it look like they knew him when they only knew his name and age. This period of time although being able to see fans and having the knowledge and relief that they enjoy their music makes him happy, he is still depressed and was cutting almost every day. He was so disappointed in himself for developing the habit again but under the circumstances he decides that it was going to happen eventually, he just didn't have the self-control to evade it any longer than he did.

 

It was at the point where he wasn't eating and not sleeping at all, putting it off for practice as when he tried, he just stared at the ceiling for hours on end, the least he can do is be productive. He looked like a zombie, bad enough that people had started noticing including their manager who had previously thought everything was great and the members were getting along with him.

 

“Changkyun, are you doing okay? You look really tired and you've lost a lot of weight. You haven't been staying up all night recently in your studio, have you?” He asked, knowing that was something the youngest tended to do when stressed or needed some alone time. “The members are feeding you right? I hope they are, they are all older than you but it seems like they enjoy your company now so I'm sure that they are. You know you can come to me when you aren't feeling good okay Changkyun?” He appreciated the thought, he really did, but he couldn't believe that they had everyone fooled. Every single person around them including Monbebes really believed that they were more than band mates, maybe even friends, that they genuinely cared about him and treated him as the youngest when in reality most of the time they didn't acknowledge his presence unless they needed something or wanted to insult him some more.

 

“I'm okay, really. Just tired after all the practicing and promotions. I just haven't had time to have many proper meals, but once promotions are over I'll take better care of my health, I promise. You don't need to worry about me.” He somehow managed a small smile that he hoped was believable before he bowed and headed towards his bed, his safe haven.

 

The members were in the living room as this conversation was taking place, all silent as they listened to them talking. They couldn't believe that the manager thought he needed some help or something, it was preposterous.

 

But the more Kihyun thought about it he couldn't think of a time when he saw the boy eat anything other than water and the occasional granola bar. Was he the reason? Was is because he never invited Changkyun to the table when he made a meal for everyone else? He was really skinny, much skinnier than he should be, which was alarming now that he thought about it. And he had stopped caring whether he came home late weeks ago after deciding he did it so often that it didn't matter anymore. He should have continued pushing because he didn't see him sleep either. Many mornings they would get up for practice and he was already waiting for them in the practice room no matter how early they got there. But why should this be his business? He's not a child, he should be able to look after himself, right? Kihyun's not sure he is capable of that though considering the state he's in right now.

 

 

For the promotional period of their debut song they were so busy that he wasn't even in the company for any extended period of time or without his members, meaning the group of boys who sought to make him pay for what he 'did' couldn't get a hold of him to beat him up. It was a blessing in disguise. His body had time to heal the bruises and the pain lessened until he couldn't even feel them anymore, but he could still feel the imprint of their hands. Their mental abuse lingered long after the bruises had faded, meaning although they weren't around, he was still hurting himself.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, thank you for reading! So, long story short I'm posting this a little later in the evening than I normally would because I joined a kpop cover contest on IG a couple weeks ago and had one due today, of course I didn't start learning it until this arvo so I learnt it and practiced it for 4-5 hours before I finally posted it- UNB- Black Heart (so I almost DIED. It's so fast! And there was a bonus 2x speed challenge. Let's just say I think it's impossible). The story is starting to ramp up in pace, I think it's going to go pretty fast from here. There's a plot reveal at the end of the chapter, that I'm not sure if you would have guessed or not. Once again, thank you for all the lovely comments and kudos; remember to leave your feedback in the comments and if you have any suggestions as well I'd be on board with seeing if they might fit into the story. Anyway, please enjoy!

They promoted 'Trespass' and 'No Exit' for 6 weeks, their title song and a B-side that they performed as 9 on No Mercy, and were lucky enough to have a couple days rest before being thrown into preparation for their second mini-album. They had a lot more time than they had for Trespass to prepare but things were still hectic. Jooheon and I.M were able to participate in writing the rap and some lyrics for most of the songs on the album including the title song, although Giriboy produced most of Rush himself. They had a bit less than 8 weeks in total to practice and perfect everything meaning tensions were high and the members snapped at each other often. Their friendship was strained and they started to drift from each other as they focused on themselves and the ultimate goal of the perfect stage.

 

Because of this Changkyun had a particularly rough time at practice and it was something he dreaded every day despite the excitement of a new song because the choreography was sharper and had more hand movements than Trespass which was all fast steps and powerful full body motions. One particularly bad day he was running on empty, the members were incredibly grouchy and practice was not going well. At all. He felt like one wrong move and they would all explode; he felt like he was walking on thin ice. So he kept pushing himself hard, going beyond the limits of what he was capable of, working himself to the bone until it was just too much. He was feeling dizzy and fighting the urge to vomit all over the floor but he had to keep going, he would be seen as weak considering the members have gone through as much as him and are all tired too. If they could contain themselves, why couldn't he? And so he ignored these feelings and focused on not making mistakes but of course that didn't last long before his body had had enough. He felt light headed and lost control in his limbs, he didn't realise he was falling until he hit the ground. He registered people walking over to him and the music was still playing until it came to an abrupt stop but before that his vision had blurred and he gave into the weight pushing down onto him and sunk into unconsciousness.

 

His eyes fluttered open to a blurry white room, slightly twisting his head around he saw as his vision cleared that he was in a hospital bed and the room was currently empty. Did anyone even come to see him? He couldn't think of a single person who might want to check on him except maybe their manager who was a really thoughtful person. He closed his eyes for a second, he could feel the tiredness creeping up on him. When he opened them again he was greeted by the face of who he presumes is his doctor and behind him the faces of his members and manager. He must have fallen asleep.

 

“Changkyun can you hear me? Do you know where you are?” He nodded weakly, opening his mouth to speak but his throat was too sore to speak. Noticing this the doctor motioned to the nurse to bring him a cup of water and Changkyun took it gratefully, the ice water cooling his burning throat and getting rid of the dry feeling in his mouth. “Does that feel a bit better? Would you like some more water?” “No thank you, I'm okay now.” He gets out with a bit of rasp, but the doctor seems fairly pleased with this, saying “that's a good sign. Back to the questions, do you know where you are and why you are here?” Changkyun racks his brain, what happened before he ended up here? He remembers being at dance practice but then nothing. “This is the hospital. I remember being at dance practice, but then my memory stops. I'm sorry.” He looked down at the sheets, wringing his hands about as he felt a bit of guilt for getting into this situation in the first place and causing trouble. If he had of attended to the signs he might have suffered some backlash but it wouldn't have gotten this out of control. “It's okay, from what I can see you have gone through some traumatic experiences so I do not expect you to be fully okay or to remember everything. You fainted, the members have informed me that it was during practice and very sudden. We have run some tests and discovered it was your body's way of saying you are overworked and exhausted. It just shut down, so we have you on an IV at the moment trying to hydrate you and give your body some nutrients that it is lacking. But Changkyun, you are incredibly underweight and we discovered something else that I'm sure you will know what I'm talking about. Would you like everyone out of the room to talk?” The members looked at the doctor confused to what he was talking about, did he have a disease or something? They didn't think it could be that bad, he seemed fine to them. But Changkyun's face paled realising they knew about it and had the authority to send him away or put him on medication and have him monitored. “I'd like to talk to just you Doctor., if that's okay.” He said quietly afraid of insulting his members accidentally and he didn't miss the multiple intakes of breath coming from that side of the room. The other members however, couldn't believe he wanted to keep secrets from them. How were they supposed to deal with him if they couldn't understand what was wrong with him in the first place?

 

They were escorted from the room by a nurse and when they were gone, with looks over their shoulders, the doctor turned to face him and smiled gently. “I know this is hard to talk about, but I only have your best interest in mind. What we found was shocking and worrying to say the least, I can't believe you have held out as long as you have. Your body upon examination has shown that you haven't been eating, sleeping or taking care of your general health. But upon closer inspection we have also seen faded bruises and cuts, both healed and recent.” Changkyun swallowed the spit that had formed in his mouth at the confession. They knew everything that he had been trying so had to hide from everyone, he just hoped that they wouldn't tell his members. They would probably revel in the news that he was affected enough by their words to hurt himself, and he didn't want to risk changing their attitudes on the off chance they may start physically hurting him as well. He didn't think he could take that on top of everything else.

 

The doctor saw that he understood the severity of the situation and continued with his speech. “I am worried about you. First I want to ask: are you cutting yourself?” A moment passed and he gained a slight nod. “Okay, are those bruises from yourself or your members?” Changkyun shook his head no, meaning there was someone unknown in the picture as well. This knowledge provoked a little fear in the doctor because who knew how many people were hurting this poor boy, and how far the damage went mentally. “So, although you are inflicting harm upon yourself however there is also one or more people abusing you as well whether it was a one time thing or permanent. It is up to you whether you would like your company and those around you know about the bruises however I have an obligation to inform those closest to you about the self-harm and provide options for help whether medication or therapy. It will be a tough road but I believe you have the strength in you to persevere to create a better situation. I will go let your manager know and inform the CEO. Do you wish for them to know about the abuse, and your members about the self-harm?” Changkyun thought about it for a minute. He didn't really want everyone to know about the guys who beat him up, it would make him look pathetic, plus they would seek him out for revenge and potentially do something worse if the company knows. Starship doesn't tolerate bullying which is kind of ironic because even his members are bullying him. They'd probably get kicked out and then they wouldn't have a reputation to worry about. As for his members . . . there was no way they could no. It would just add fuel to the fire. “No to both please. I'd like for as little people to know as possible. I am an idol and I think it would negatively affect everyone.” The doctor nodded solemnly, “ as you wish, I will let your manager know”, and left the room closing the door with a soft click. Changkyun resigned himself to the fact that he was probably going to be monitored by the company but he hoped they didn't deem him extreme enough to take a break from the upcoming promotions.

 

A short time later their manager entered the room and sat down on the chair next to the bed with a small smile. Changkyun bowed his head a little and shakily smiled back, anxious for the conversation that was about to happen. The manager sat there for a moment, unsure if where to begin. There were so many thoughts swirling around in his head and many things that needed to be discussed before he meets the CEO, that way he knows all of the details and can give him a  thorough explanation. “Look Changkyun, I'm not really sure where to begin. Looking back, I realise that I saw the other members treatment towards you but brushed it off as awkwardness and high tension and that was the wrong thing to do. I know it wasn't your members that hurt you but they were still contributing to your overall pain and the state of your health. Especially since it got bad enough for you to inflict pain upon yourself as a method of coping, for that I'm sorry. I'm supposed to look after you, and I failed.” he sniffled a little which was really unlike him, and Changkyun just wanted to reach out and give him a  hug but he wasn't sure if that would be appreciated so he settled for a couple pats on the back. He took a deep breath before continuing. “We have to have a meeting with the CEO once you've been discharged from the hospital to create a solution to this, none of us want you to continue feeling this way. The doctor has suggested that you start seeing both a psychologist and a psychiatrist and spend time around other people. Being alone isn't good for you with the state your mental health is in. We also have to discuss how this is going to affect the group. I understand you didn't want to let the members know about the cutting but they need to know about a certain amount of the depression to be able to help and support you.” Really? Like they were going to care. But they might put on a show in front of the CEO and convince everyone that they're nice people and get along well just to make sure the group doesn't have to disband.

 

True to his thought, when all the members gathered in a board room at the company in front of their managers, CEO and other people that work with them when the members were told about his depression and they have to play a huge role in his recovery they all jumped at the chance to show them they care (whether they actually do or not). They all made promises to watch him and look after him, and make sure he takes his future medication, doesn't run into the people bullying him (ha, some of them are sitting right next to him) and doesn't hurt himself in any way. This includes overworking, starving himself and not sleeping.

 

That is how he ended up in his bed at home curled into a ball under the covers with all the members in the dorm still feeling upset. Kihyun had immediately zoomed into the kitchen to make him some chicken soup and brought it into the room and watched him eat until he was satisfied. He was feeling uncomfortably full after not eating properly and sought the comfort being alone in his bed provided. At least here he didn't feel multiple pairs of eyes on him because what could he do to hurt himself in his bed?

 

Out in the living room, the others were quietly talking. They needed to change their attitudes, at least pretend to, so that everyone would be happy and Changkyun won't be too sick to be apart of the group. “We definitely need to play up the niceness. It needs to look genuine, and he needs to believe it too.” Hyungwon said. The others nodded, that was the basics. “Well why don't we make a game out of it?” Questioned Minhyuk. Wonho quirked his eyebrow, “And how do we do that Minhyuk?” “The first person to make Changkyun fall in love with him, wins! Two birds with one stone right? He'll believe it for sure and we can have some fun with it..” Everyone slowly nodded their head, it wasn't a bad idea. “It's insane, but it sounds kind of fun. His reactions when he realises will be so funny!” Jooheon quipped with a smirk. And so the game began.

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, thank you for reading! So, I loved the reactions from the last chapter. All the comments had me cackling :D. Like, I felt a bit guilty but I mostly found it funny how mad some of you were at me. This is a shorter chapter, just introducing the 'love game' concept but it's only a couple days until the next chapter so you'll be fine. Nothing big happens in this chapter, it's actually a pretty chill one so you don't have to be mad at me. Anyway, please leave your comments andd feedback as usual, I'm open to ideas as well. Considering I only have one more written chapter I could use some; this also means this week si the last week of two chapters a week so starting next week I will be posting one a week. Let me know in the comments whether you'd prefer the weekend or like the middle of the week for posting. It doesn't bother me in anyway so whatever you guys would prefer. Enjoy!

They were acting nice towards him, which wasn't weird because they do that in front of the cameras, but they were doing it all the time. Even when they were in the dorm and no one else was watching. Kihyun cooked for him and made sure he slept, Hyungwon would watch movies with him on the couch, Jooheon helped him with his rap and just chatted to him, Minhyuk and Hoseok would play video games with him and Hyunwoo would observe and help him when it looked like he was struggling and tell him stupid jokes to make him laugh.

 

He thought that it would only last a week or so to please management and then they would go back to normal but it's been a couple weeks and they're still being nice to him. He found it hard to believe and hard to trust them but he started to gain the hope that maybe they really might be warming up to him. They were including him in everything they do and always asked for his opinion before going to anyone else. At first, he went along with their antics just so they didn't get mad but surprisingly he started enjoying the time he spent with them. His anxiety still caused him to worry over this behaviour and whether this was their way of revenge; by bringing him up and then eventually forcing him all the way back down. So he began to be wary of them and their actions on the off chance he acted too friendly and they snapped and went back to ignoring him.

 

About a week after his visit to the hospital he had been given the all-clear to slowly integrate back into work as long as he doesn't strain himself and the members are watching him. He woke up early excited to be practising again with the others, so excited that he had woken up before almost everyone. Everyone except Kihyun. He swears that no matter what time in the morning it is he would never wake up before him.

 

He took a quick shower not wanting to be reprimanded for using too much water, but he also wasn't sure he was ready to look into a mirror. He changed into some shorts and a hoodie to practice in and ventured into the kitchen to make himself some breakfast only to find Kihyun halfway through making multiple dishes.

 

“Kihyun hyung, do you need any help? I'm not an expert, but I can chop some vegetables or something?” He asked softly, fully expecting the older man to say no and kick him out of the kitchen considering he doesn't let any of the members help. But surprisingly Kihyun turned around mid-stir and raised an eyebrow.

 

Kihyun was shocked to say the least. No one had ever offered to help him cook with good intent, normally just looking to sneak bites of the food or annoy Kihyun. Not only had he offered without being asked, he offered to do something mundane like chopping just to save him some work. “Well, you can help if you'd like. I'd really appreciate that Changkyun, thank you.” He smiled at Changkyun before pointing at the bench. “You can cut those vegetables and fry them to make a stir-fry.” Changkyun nodded and washed his hands ready to get to work.

 

By the time Kihyun had left for the bedrooms to wake everyone up the dishes were done and he had left Changkyun to plate them. Rather than trying to get out of getting up the members all jumped out of bed upon smelling the most delicious smells from the kitchen. On the table were multiple mouth-watering dishes: tofu pancakes, kimchi stew, bulgogi stir-fry, a huge omelette, rice and sides of kimchi and seaweed. “Wow Kihyun this looks amazing! Why did you make so much, what's the special occasion?” Minhyuk asked before stuffing his face full of food, as usual. “I didn't do it alone, Changkyun helped quite a bit. Also, today Changkyun joins us in our schedules again, so yes it's a special occasion.” Hyunwoo nodded his head already knowing about it (as the leader he was the first to know) and quietly spooned some food onto his plate. Everyone else had their mouths open mainly because Kihyun had let someone else into the kitchen willingly and the food turned out amazing (also for a normal day of practice he normally doesn't prepare an amount this big). “Well we're not complaining. Can we eat like this every day?” Hoseok asked through a mouthful of rice. Kihyun scowled at him and he smiled back sheepishly. “You're lucky I feed you ungrateful children at all.” Hoseok gulped and quickly occupied himself with eating while avoiding Kihyun's eyes.

 

Practice went well.  Kihyun and Hyunwoo didn't allow him to participate in every run through, he did two straight runs before sitting one out and going again just to ensure he was getting rest and not overworking himself. Jooheon had brought a 24-pack carton of water bottles while Kihyun had packed lunch and some fruit and Hyungwon had packed some towels to wipe the sweat off. They kept running over to check he was okay and whether he needed anything which although nice was very unnecessary; he was only at home for a week. They were being overbearing which was something he had never felt from them and it was confusing. It was nice at first, it felt like they cared, but when it continued all day he felt like screaming I'M FINE at the top of his lungs so that they would understand and leave him alone. After a couple hours he got to escape to the bathroom by himself (mainly because they gave him three water bottles) so he took advantage of that by splashing some water on his face to cool himself down and checked social media.

 

While he was gone, the others discussed Plan Fool Changkyun and what progress they thought they were making to compare. So far, they weren't doing very well. They had only just gotten him to be less tense around them and interact a bit more but they could tell he still didn’t trust them. They weren’t going to be able to get him to love them if he didn’t trust them so they decided that they had to step it up and make him feel safe by being with him all the time and doing everything for him. They never realised that was the last thing he wanted.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, thank you for reading! Thank you for all your comments and love on the last chapter, I had a lot of comments predicting the rest and end of this fanfic and I must say they weren't too bad but they were pretty tame to how I want to end it. I mean, it might end up different (I haven't finished writing yet) but I'm 95% of the ending. This is another shorter chapter but it introduces a character that I'm sure most of you are familiar with and will hopefully be pleased to see. If I get enough positive response I'll definitely try to imput him in some more chapters. I'm alos going to try and make the next couple chapters longer seeing as I won't be posting as often so that you guys have more content. I'm not sure when the next chapter will be out, I haven't finished it yet and I have an assignment due in like 3 days so and another one at the end of next week; but hopefully the words will flow and it will write itself. I will let you guys know otherwise if that is not the case, with that being said please enjoy!

Once he was allowed out of the dorm and started joining the members during practice, he started spotting the gang of boys around the building but they didn't try anything right away. Rather they let him see them so that he would be in constant fear and worry about when they would come for him. When they finally cornered him when he went to the bathroom after practice, he didn't stand a chance.

 

He woke with a start from his position on the tiled floor of the bathroom with a wince as he felt his muscles pull and sharp pain from already forming bruises. As he sat up, he couldn't remember why he was on the floor. His memory was foggy and he had no idea what time it was. But when he felt the pain and slightly lifted his shirt to see the bruises littering his skin his memory cleared and he remembered everything.

 

 _Shit!_ Scrambling he reached for his phone that had been thrown under the row of basins to check the time and panicked when he saw it was almost half an hour since he had left the others after practice to escape to the bathroom. The others were going to be furious when he comes back after disappearing.

 

He managed to stand and trudge out of the bathroom to the practice room which was just around the corner and as soon as he opened the door and stepped into view all the members heads whipped around and they stopped pacing to stare at him. He hid his fear, worried about what the consequences would be for disappearing and lying about only being gone for a short amount of time. They continued to look at him until Hyunwoo finally broke the silence by simply saying, “we were worried. I’m glad to see you are okay.” Then everyone moved closer and started talking on top of each other in the hopes of gaining his attention and a conversation. Jooheon started tugging on his shirt while arguing with Minhyuk about who got to talk to him first while Hoseok was occasionally inputting his two cents into Kihyun and Hyungwon’s fight and demanding he was a hyung and that gave him more rights. Hyunwoo just moved into the corner where the speakers and the sound system for the laptop was situated and quietly sat and watched the onslaught of noise. At least Hyunwoo was being a responsible hyung, he wasn’t sure he could handle all of them on his own without Hyunwoo watching over them.

 

What he was the most confused about was why they were worried and not angry with him, even Hyunwoo said they were worried which struck a chord somewhere in him. Hyunwoo doesn’t often voice his emotions in that way unless he thinks of it as important. But why would his whereabouts be important enough to have the members speculating and worried?

 

This continued for the rest of the day, with the other members even volunteering to accompany him if he went anywhere which in his opinion was ridiculous. He was a full-grown adult so why did he have to have someone with him at all times? This thought made him wonder what other ridiculous things they’ve been doing for him. He mentally made a list of all the things they’ve been doing recently for him whether he asked or not and frowned when it was a lot bigger number than he wanted. It was suspicious, how one hospital visit caused them to go from hating his guts to acting like overbearing mothers.

 

He decided he needed to ask for another opinion and there was only one person he could think of that he could trust all his secrets with. So, he made a phone call. “Yugyeom? Can I meet you somewhere?”

 

Early the next day he had managed to sneak out of the dorm before any of the members were awake, somehow including Kihyun, and had caught a bus to the GOT7 dorm. He knocked on the door and it was flung open and a huge body landed in his arms nearly tumbling them over. A voice called out through the open door saying “Yugyeom? How many times have I told you to be careful? You can’t just go around jumping on people even if they are your friends!” They both looked up to see Jinyoung standing in the doorway with his arms crossed and an eyebrow raised. “Sorry hyung,” Yugyeom softly replied smiling weakly back at him. Jinyoung shook his head with the ghost of a smile on his lips and turned to Changkyun as both boys straightened themselves out. “It’s nice to see you Changkyun, it’s been a while. I hope you’re doing okay with your group and all, if you ever need somewhere to escape from your dorm or your members remember that you are more than welcome here. You are Yugyeom’s family but the rest of us consider you ours as well, okay?” He smiled warmly at the younger boy with his eyes crinkling and his teeth showing. Changkyun couldn’t do anything but smile back at him, slightly awestruck. Yugyeom laughed at him and nudged him on the back towards the door causing him to blush and smile awkwardly to Jinyoung. “Thanks hyung, it really means a lot.” Greeting everyone as they passed, they made their way to Yugyeom’s room and closed the door behind them.

 

He started from the beginning telling Yugyeom everything about how the members were treating him before to now and behind the scenes during No Mercy, leaving out the beatings so as to not worry his friend. He asked him if his members acted similarly because they are the maknae’s but he said they weren’t overbearing at all. They were respectful of his space and independence and trusted him to be responsible for himself. This confused Changkyun because GOT7 is the nicest group he knows and if they didn’t treat Yugyeom like he was glass why did Monsta X do it? They were acting as if he was fine china and were ridiculously over protective. It was to the point of being possessive and unreasonable, by them demanding to know where he was at all times and sometimes even forcing him to go with at least one other member whenever he wanted to go somewhere. It was incredibly frustrating especially when he wanted to leave to get away from them or to see Yugyeom in his dorm.

 

“Look Changkyun, I think something’s up. This whole situation with your members is really weird and I think they may be up to something. I wouldn’t trust them that easily if I were you. They didn’t like you before so why would they suddenly turn around and act as if you are a God? It just seems suspicious.” Yugyeom frowned and fell backwards on the bed, looking up at the ceiling. “I just don’t want to see you hurt, it’s worrying. You’re my best friend Kyun, I don’t want to see you in pain every day. You know I’ll help you with anything right? If they do anything to you, tell me and I’ll do something to help okay? Even if you just come over and stay for a bit out of their way.” Changkyun nodded his heart feeling lighter with the knowledge that he at least had one true friend who would look out for him. He finally felt okay knowing that he wasn’t alone and he had someone who understands him. Who will stick by him no matter what state he’s in or how others are treating him.

 

That really was all he could ask for.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi thank you for continuing to read! Surprise! It's been a while, and I want to apologise for disappearing off the radar and not updating this for a couple months. Uni just got really hectic and out of control and I didn't have time for anything else including writing this story. But I'm on holidays now and I plan on getting out a couple chapter before I have to start next trimester and getting some stuff written so that I can still update during the trimester. It won't be regular though, I can't guarantee how much I'm gonna get written but I will try my best. Please enjoy, this is the first chapter of one of the big plot points that we've been leading up to so hopefully you guys enjoy it. I don't know if you'll be surprised, but hopefully this makes you sad like it made me when I wrote it. And thank you to all the people who have read my story up to this chapter, and have been patiently waiting, I really appreciate all the love I've received. And also to all the new readers, welcome!

The members were worried. They were huddled in the living room thinking about what to do. Their plan wasn’t working. At all. At first, they had manged to get him to place trust in them, just a little, but they had ruined it by taking it too far. 

Hyungwon was sprawled out on one of the couches with his head laying in Minhyuk’s lap, with Min’s fingers softly carding through his hair. Hyunwoo and Wonho were both stood against the wall on the other side of the room, while Kihyun was on the other couch with Jooheon tucked into his arms as a means to comfort the younger boy. 

“Whatever we’re doing it’s clearly not working. He doesn’t trust us or want to spend time with us to the point he left at who knows when this morning without telling us where he was going. Does anyone have any ideas how to fix this?” Wonho started already feeling annoyed. He knew they had screwed up but without speaking to Changkyun himself he wasn’t sure by how much. Jooheon audibly sighed out his frustration, knowing that if he was acting like that already what was going to happen when he has actual feelings for them and finds out what they have done? 

“I think it’s time to sit Changkyun down and convince him that we have all developed feelings for him and ask him to take us all on dates. That should speed the process along. What’d you guys think?” Kihyun suggests. “Actually, that might work Ki. I thought I was supposed to be the evil genius of the group,” Minhyuk cried before fake sobbing. Kihyun rolled his eyes at his antics, sometimes he found it hard to believe that they were the same age. 

“Okay, well who should go first? I think it gives an advantage, because he might end up with the strongest feelings for the first person. But it’ll be harder to convince Changkyun at first” Shownu said worryingly. Everyone frowned, they didn’t think about how they were going to go about it. 

Jooheon hesitated before saying, “maybe I should go first? I mean, other than Kihyun I’m probably the closest to him. We have to spend extra time together to write our raps, and at least then I have an excuse to spend time with him?” Raising his voice at the end he got worried about the members reactions; they weren’t making any noise. He bit his lip and slouched further into Kihyun who rubbed small circles into the boy’s arms. 

Everyone considered it for a minute, the silence was deafening until finally someone cleared their throat. Their heads swivelled to Hoseok who shrugged before casually saying, “I think it’ll work. I don’t think we’ll have any other ideas that will work as well.” 

“Do we all agree?” Shownu asked relieved. Everyone nodded and agreed, glad that someone else had said something and the issue was solved without arguing. Jooheon’s smile returned and he wriggled to get out of Kihyun’s firm grip. “Honey, where are you going? Are you upset? We all agreed to your idea.” Kihyun questioned. “Jooheon finally standing up replied, “No I’m not, I have to go plan my date!” He ran off to the room he shared with Changkyun and Minhyuk leaving everyone else staring after him in confusion. 

Meanwhile Changkyun was with Yugyeom at the GOT7 dorm and unwittingly having a conversation about the same topic but without knowing what the members had planned. 

“I really can’t say enough words to thank you for everything Yugyeom. I really am glad you’re my best friend.” He smiled up at the younger his eyes crinkling in an attempt to show how much he meant it. Yugyeom smiled at this, the smile showing his teeth and puffing out his cheeks which closed his eyes into a squint. He felt a rush of pride knowing that he somehow was able to help out someone he really cherishes that felt alone. “All I want is for you to be happy and to stay my best friend.” He pulled Changkyun into a tight hug with both of them smiling widely, and Changkyun really didn’t know what he would do without Yugyeom, but he was glad he would never have to know. 

Changkyun made his way home after calling their manager for a lift and peered through the door after silently opening it to check if the coast was clear. Seeing the entryway and living room empty he crept past and after ducking his head through the kitchen quietly made his way to his room that he shared with Jooheon and Minhyuk. When the room came into view with the door closed and the lights still on, he was confused. If Jooheon was still awake he would make excuses up to spend the night composing in one of the vocal studios at the company. And Minhyuk, well he would rather cuddle with any of the other members than spend any amount of time around him. So who is awake, and why? He opened the door with an apology ready to spill from his lips to whoever it was until he paused in his tracks. Jooheon was sitting with his head bowed on Changkyun’s bed and he looked up at the sound of his entrance with the hint of a smile upon his lips. Changkyun frowned at this, Jooheon has never smiled even a little at him before and it was a bit unnerving. 

“You’re back, I’ve been waiting for you”, he said and flashed a smile. Changkyun was taken aback and didn’t know how to respond. “Me? Why were you waiting for me?” Jooheon visibly frowned and slumped into the bed a little. “Uh, well, I just wanted to tell you something. And I didn’t want to do it over the phone.” Changkyun gave a nod, it made sense. Jooheon seemed to hesitate for a moment before giving the bed a pat next to him with a dimple less smile. Changkyun crossed the room slowly and gingerly sat on the bed with his feet together on the floor and his hands in his lap. He kept his head down because he wasn’t sure Jooheon would want full eye contact with him. 

Jooheon reached over and using two fingers lifted Changkyun’s chin causing him to turn his head and look at him questioningly. “Changkyun, I’m sorry. I know that just saying sorry will never make up for the way I’ve treated you but it’s a start. The truth is, I like you, a lot.” His mouth dropped open, and his eyes were blown wide because what in the world was Jooheon saying? He liked him. Seriously? Not once did he send any signals that he might have been even remotely interested; all he felt was hate from him. So when did this start? 

Jooheon carried on with his speech, seeming oblivious to the internal panic and confusion that Changkyun was trying so hard to hide because he wanted to avoid making him angry. 

“It started a while ago, but I hid it because everyone else was still mad at you and I didn’t wanna get in the middle of that and make it worse for you. But I realised that wasn’t right and I hate myself for doing it. For putting you through that, for not being there for you and for waiting this long. I don’t deserve forgiveness, but will you accept my feelings?” He looked so nervous, and even though his dimples were showing it was still so unlike his personality that Kyun couldn’t help but feel that some part of what he said must be true. He still didn’t fully believe that he meant everything he said but he’s been so alone for so long that he dared to hope that it might be true. So, even if it was a bad idea, he decided to say yes. Jooheon looked absolutely thrilled, he leant over and gave him a side hug (which made him feel warm) and promised to take him on a surprise date soon.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, thank you for reading! This is my first work posted on AO3, but my second work posted overall. I hope this goes well, I'm really invested in this story. It's a story I've wanted to write for a very long time; a guilty pleasure of mine is reading works based on Changkyun's experiences during and after No Mercy and as part of Monsta X. I eventually got to the point where I had read them all both here and on Wattpad and craved new material. I figured that if I wasn't satisfied other people weren't either and so I decided to write one myself and put a twist on it. I played into a lot of the common tropes found in these stories but I added some of my own as well. All of the dialogue set during No Mercy is 100% real quotes from the show so please go watch it if you haven't already. Please leave comments with feedback, I wrote this during NaNoWriMo last year and so it holds a lot of my soul, I really want it to be the best it can be (for a fanfiction anyway).


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